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Overcoming Social Anxiety and getting to a meet

I didn't reply last night because I thought I'd reflect on this. Everyone's situation, experiences and make-up is unique so I can only really offer my thoughts based on what my family went through.
My oldest son is 11 and he's not struggled too much with anxiety and stress through the lockdowns, but he has two younger brothers 7 and 4 and they're like the 3 amigos, they never really got lonely.
One thing we did as a family and still do is to get into nature as much as we can, away from the city. We did self learning projects all through the lockdowns on things like mushrooms, trees, birds etc...
I soon saw that cabin fever would set in with the boys and they would start acting up if we didn't get out for a walk.
The effects of the past few years has been extreme on many families. Our family, with my wife shielding and already having major health anxiety, well we were totally locked down. Didn't see anyone even grandparents in person for over 2 years. Looking back it was utter madness but at the time...🤔
It taken it's toll on all of our relationships and we're still today rebuilding them with lots of honest talk, tears and laughter.
Let's face it, we lost years. To me at 46, two years isn't much. At 11, two years is forever though and I know my 11 year old feels upset that he's lost out, with talking it over though and with us taking steps to rebuild friendships that stagnated, he's much more positive now.
Kids need to talk about what's gone on just as much as we adults do, and it's not easy to get them to open up. With mine it can take hours even days to get them to start talking but I really find that giving the digital world a break and going getting muddy helps them to open up!
Thanks Mark.

He's my youngest and he and his sister (13) have a love/ hate/ maim/ become a single child/ love relationship and are very close. He’s not always reserved or anxious and it can be very sporadic. We get out as a family and enjoy our surroundings as we are lucky as have downs, heath, woodland, and a quarry all in close proximity to our house.

Like you say two years to us (I’m 48) is nothing but to our kids it’s like the lost years they will never get back.

Will look into other outdoor activities and see what sticks with him.
 
derelict building
The adventure playgrounds of my childhood, no adult supervision no crash mats or safety barriers. Plus the added thrill of being chased away.
getting muddy helps
Totally agree. Open spaces such as parks, woods, beaches, forest trails all help.
 
I have been mulling over whether to post this, and have thought long and hard about it. @Kermit comments about how we are putting ourselves out here made me that I could or should and I hope @Mark76e @Chasdad @Elliematt83 @Karl (to name a few) can give me a better perspective/ understanding.

So here goes…
My son is really anxious and since the covid lockdowns it’s got worse. He’s 11 and in my mind should have the world at his taking (and this is probably where I am going wrong). I don’t understand where the anxiety has come from and therefore cannot fix it, yes I know typical control freak. Where I really struggle is emphasising with him, and to be clear and so you all don’t think I’m some kind of shit dick dad I don’t pressure him to do anything he doesn’t want to, and support him fully, and will always have his back. I just want to understand how he feels so I can support him more/ better, and if possible alleviate his anxiety before it starts to build up.

All advice greatly received as he’s my boy, I love him, and I would rip the world off its axis if I thought it would help him.

Stu

Could he be being bullied at school or elsewhere? Sometimes that is something that a 11 year old has difficulty opening up and talking about.
 
Could he be being bullied at school or elsewhere? Sometimes that is something that a 11 year old has difficulty opening up and talking about.
Not sure as he does stand up for himself. It maybe friendship groups, will chat to him about it.
 
Kermit, you won't believe how many shopping lists I lose. Being serious (for once!) I am genuinely concerned about my short term memory, it's getting ridiculous. We committed mum to a home last year as she is now full blown Alzheimer's. Does make you wonder......
Spent 3 months sorting out my brother-in-law with early stages of dementia. Had to take his car off him and he still asks when I am bringing it back! Get yourself checked! as it may just be a vitamin deficiency. Also ask doctor for a memory service assessment.
Plenty of sites to look at if you are unsure like Dementia UK and Alzheimers society.. They have been a great source of info and help for me to sort him out.
 
I have been mulling over whether to post this, and have thought long and hard about it. @Kermit comments about how we are putting ourselves out here made me that I could or should and I hope @Mark76e @Chasdad @Elliematt83 @Karl (to name a few) can give me a better perspective/ understanding.

So here goes…
My son is really anxious and since the covid lockdowns it’s got worse. He’s 11 and in my mind should have the world at his taking (and this is probably where I am going wrong). I don’t understand where the anxiety has come from and therefore cannot fix it, yes I know typical control freak. Where I really struggle is emphasising with him, and to be clear and so you all don’t think I’m some kind of shit dick dad I don’t pressure him to do anything he doesn’t want to, and support him fully, and will always have his back. I just want to understand how he feels so I can support him more/ better, and if possible alleviate his anxiety before it starts to build up.

All advice greatly received as he’s my boy, I love him, and I would rip the world off its axis if I thought it would help him.

Stu
Whats he doing that makes you say hes anxious.
Ive got a 16 year old son. A few years back i started noticing some ocd traits that ive got. I kept an eye on him and he seems ok.
He wont talk about his feelings. Doesnt come across stressed but i cant tell he is.
Hes massively into sport. Good footballer , black belt in judo. He could have made GB squad but i dont think he wanted to be away from home
My only advice is to try and get him involved in something he likes or you think he might.
Be there for him and become his mate. Do stuff together and laugh.
I feel its a bit too late for us 2 as hes almost a man. Although we do spend time in hotels for judo
I also have trouble being empathetic. I just walk away and take stock of the situation and remind myself im his dad and go and give him a cuddle no matter what hes done
 
Whats he doing that makes you say hes anxious.
Ive got a 16 year old son. A few years back i started noticing some ocd traits that ive got. I kept an eye on him and he seems ok.
He wont talk about his feelings. Doesnt come across stressed but i cant tell he is.
Hes massively into sport. Good footballer , black belt in judo. He could have made GB squad but i dont think he wanted to be away from home
My only advice is to try and get him involved in something he likes or you think he might.
Be there for him and become his mate. Do stuff together and laugh.
I feel its a bit too late for us 2 as hes almost a man. Although we do spend time in hotels for judo
I also have trouble being empathetic. I just walk away and take stock of the situation and remind myself im his dad and go and give him a cuddle no matter what hes done
He gets really anxious about going out of the house sometimes, other times he’s fine. He’s really into football which I am not but I do take him to practice and the games and support him fully. He feels he is not as good as his peers and that adds to his anxiety and his want to not to go to practice or games, he normally always comes round and goes to both but it’s a challenge. But I do feel this is one of the biggies for him, peer pressure and how he stacks himself up against them.
Like you I walk away, have a word or three with myself and go back and give him the support he needs and go from there.
 
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He gets really anxious about going out of the house sometimes, other times he’s fine. He’s really into football which I am not but I do take him to practice and the games and support him fully. He feels he is not as good as his peers and that adds to his anxiety and his want to not to go to practice or games, he normally always comes round and goes to both but it’s a challenge. But I do feel this is one of the biggies for him, peer pressure and how he stacks himself up against them.
Like you I walk away, have a word or three with myself and go back and give him the support he needs and go from there.
He sounds similar to my son.
It sounds hard but dont give him to him not going unless hes having a total meltdown.
Funnily enough im going through it tonight.
He picked up an injury at football yesterday and is using it to not go judo at a new club tonight.
I struggle as i cant stand football and want him to concentrate on judo.
Just keep telling your boy its ok not to be the best player. Just enjoy it
 
Interesting read, I think lots of people feel like this.
 
I've put a post up previously regarding social anxiety, and I've had more than a few messages saying thank you for sharing it, so I thought I would put something here along with some guidelines for people to help get you through it and become more involved with the club (and life).

For those who don't know what social anxiety is, you may not have heard of it, or it may be that you just don't understand it. It's that feeling of knowing you want to get to a meet, maybe saying you're interested, then either not committing, or pulling out close to the date if you have committed. You'll make up an excuse that no one can argue... for example "sorry, car broke down this morning"... or "there's been a family emergency, sorry"... or you may just not turn up and not say anything at all.

If you have been reading through this forum, chatting with fellow members, feeling like you've made a connection, and then been sat looking at the write ups and pictures from meets we've attended feeling like you've missed out... well the only person stopping you, is YOU.

I have been dealing with social anxiety now for years. I have worked in the same place for the last 8 years, and I still get anxiety when it comes to social events with the people I've worked with for so long. Why? I don't know. I hate it. It's crippling. I find myself running out of excuses not to attend social events, because, I just panic. Now in all honesty, I don't think that will ever go away with the people I work with, because I have NOTHING in common with most of them. The odd one or two I get along with on a social level, but not enough to make me want to overcome my anxiety.

Things within ElgrandOC have been very different. For me, going to a meet with you guys means I know that before I even get there, we have a common interest. It gives us a talking point and a way to break the ice.

The members here have been some of the best people I have ever met, and some of my closest friends I have met through this club. There have been very very few people that I've met and not really got on with... Most of the people I have met I now talk to on a regular basis.

Now... as ElgrandOC has grown, so has our attendance at meets. Even small local meets are now attended by 10+ Elgrand's and however many people. That can be a BIG step for ANYONE, whether they have an issue with social anxiety or not. Especially if you are going to that meet as a new member knowing that everyone else has already met. I got frustrated last year that there weren't more people going to meets, and it took me a little time to realise that it's probably not just me that suffers with social anxiety... and that in all honesty, there are probably a LOT of members here who are desperate to get out and attend events with us, but can't get over that hurdle... then when you see the list of attendees getting bigger and bigger... the problem spirals, and you know you could never do it.

So, what I would like to see this year, and thanks to @Easy Rider for the suggestion, is Impromtu meets with small groups of 2-3 people.

We have the regional chat sections now so you can get to know members local to you. And then you can either arrange an impromptu meet to invite anyone else in the area to come, or arrange something between 2-3 people via PM. It does not have to be an open invitation for everyone to attend... just small numbers to get you feeling comfortable with a small group of new people, even if it's just one on one.

What you can do then is ease yourself into other events, if you want to. Maybe meet up a few times with same small group of people, and have a coffee, a cake, a chat etc. Once you feel comfortable with meeting the same small group of people, you can arrange to go to a bigger meet with at least one of them. Then, you know that at least when you get to one of the larger meets, you are going to have someone you know you can talk to.

That said... for anyone out there who just wants to throw caution to the wind and dive in at the deep end... please do. There are so many fantastic people here in this group that you won't go far wrong. Everyone is welcoming, no one is cliquey (not that I've met), and we are all in it for the same reason. To have a laugh, chat about our cars, show them off, make friends, and make memories.

If anyone wants to chat about social anxiety issues, feel free to PM me, or any of the club staff members. We're all approachable, and we will all give you the time you need to help you along your Elgrand journey.

And for those of you who just don't want to be part of the meets and events, that's cool too. There is no pressure for any one person to attend any meets or events. But I really would advise it... the things you learn, the people you meet... it's worth it. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

Hope this helps a little.
Do you know what. As someone who deals with social anxiety and agoraphobia, to sign up to a group that has a post like this, it really makes it a lot easier and certainly me slightly less nervous to be an active member and want to come to shows.

I've been in previous different groups that weren't so welcoming so to find a group that is is really refreshing. Thank you for putting this up x
 
put in your other post look out for the meet at the end of August no need to be shy/anxious we dont bite ;)
 
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