Overcoming Social Anxiety and getting to a meet

[Safety Mick]

Great thread,
as for the covid-19 measures adding to the anxiety, unfortunately it is due to either ignorance and the bloody minded who fail to follow simple controls or as I am noting the over zealous going overboard on controls (as yesterday, I removed my face covering on a site to drink my coffee whilst maintaining social distance only to be verbally attacked by some site boss with limited knowledge who assumed that I was about to infect all of his workforce in the time it takes to drink the coffee, being fair his reaction and rant was almost comical, I visualised it as a Peter Kaye sketch with everybody running from the unclean unmasked). It is quite simple, apply common sense and 'understand' the guidance.

 

[Elliematt83]

I struggle socially in group situations. In fact, lockdown hardly affected me as it was just more of my normal life. The one ray of sunshine has been Elvira. Since acquiring her I’ve met several members whilst getting and giving spare parts and I’ve been to my first meet. Grand bunch of folk and so friendly - and great bacon butty makers too!
It’s hard to make that first effort sometimes, but it’s definitely worthwhile.

I'm the same mate it never made any difference to me really but find it easy to talk to people in the club probably because we all have the same interests

 

[Kizzy0872]

Hi folks, I am totally new and was just having a wee look through and noticed this post on social anxiety and how many people who struggle with this. 15 years ago or so this would have been me.... would rather have sawed my arm off with a rusty fork than show up to something new. I ended up training to become a cognitive behavioural therapist and learned so much about how to manage this and get to grips with the head stuff, I now teach folks how to be counsellors and also a yoga teaching, standing up in front of folks week in week out - no longer bricking it! There is help out there folks, maybe not with the long waiting lists on the NHS but private practice therapists who are registered and qualified who can help with this stuff. Don't let anxiety be the well intentioned security bouncer that keeps you from all these good adventures! Not easy to tackle but totally possible!

 

[RobSanddancer]

My take on this is that if someone is Feeling anxious about attending a meet, remember you are amongst like minded friends with the same interest. Be honest about nervousness and people will generally be supportive. I haven’t been to a meet yet but I’m sure this group will be like most others.

 

[diable]

Hi folks, I am totally new and was just having a wee look through and noticed this post on social anxiety and how many people who struggle with this. 15 years ago or so this would have been me.... would rather have sawed my arm off with a rusty fork than show up to something new. I ended up training to become a cognitive behavioural therapist and learned so much about how to manage this and get to grips with the head stuff, I now teach folks how to be counsellors and also a yoga teaching, standing up in front of folks week in week out - no longer bricking it! There is help out there folks, maybe not with the long waiting lists on the NHS but private practice therapists who are registered and qualified who can help with this stuff. Don't let anxiety be the well intentioned security bouncer that keeps you from all these good adventures! Not easy to tackle but totally possible!

My girlfriend did a CBT course and passed the exams but she went on another route and is now a "Off Hands Healer" it's all a learning curve and it takes time to work out what you want to do in life, she is in fashion and has grown to dislike the business, she is also in to Yoga.

 

[Eriqson]

Great thread, I've always been anxious going to car meets but going with someone I know always improves the experience.

 

[RuskinStreet]

I've put a post up previously regarding social anxiety, and I've had more than a few messages saying thank you for sharing it, so I thought I would put something here along with some guidelines for people to help get you through it and become more involved with the club (and life).

For those who don't know what social anxiety is, you may not have heard of it, or it may be that you just don't understand it. It's that feeling of knowing you want to get to a meet, maybe saying you're interested, then either not committing, or pulling out close to the date if you have committed. You'll make up an excuse that no one can argue... for example "sorry, car broke down this morning"... or "there's been a family emergency, sorry"... or you may just not turn up and not say anything at all.

If you have been reading through this forum, chatting with fellow members, feeling like you've made a connection, and then been sat looking at the write ups and pictures from meets we've attended feeling like you've missed out... well the only person stopping you, is YOU.

I have been dealing with social anxiety now for years. I have worked in the same place for the last 8 years, and I still get anxiety when it comes to social events with the people I've worked with for so long. Why? I don't know. I hate it. It's crippling. I find myself running out of excuses not to attend social events, because, I just panic. Now in all honesty, I don't think that will ever go away with the people I work with, because I have NOTHING in common with most of them. The odd one or two I get along with on a social level, but not enough to make me want to overcome my anxiety.

Things within ElgrandOC have been very different. For me, going to a meet with you guys means I know that before I even get there, we have a common interest. It gives us a talking point and a way to break the ice.

The members here have been some of the best people I have ever met, and some of my closest friends I have met through this club. There have been very very few people that I've met and not really got on with... Most of the people I have met I now talk to on a regular basis.

Now... as ElgrandOC has grown, so has our attendance at meets. Even small local meets are now attended by 10+ Elgrand's and however many people. That can be a BIG step for ANYONE, whether they have an issue with social anxiety or not. Especially if you are going to that meet as a new member knowing that everyone else has already met. I got frustrated last year that there weren't more people going to meets, and it took me a little time to realise that it's probably not just me that suffers with social anxiety... and that in all honesty, there are probably a LOT of members here who are desperate to get out and attend events with us, but can't get over that hurdle... then when you see the list of attendees getting bigger and bigger... the problem spirals, and you know you could never do it.

So, what I would like to see this year, and thanks to @Easy Rider for the suggestion, is Impromtu meets with small groups of 2-3 people.

We have the regional chat sections now so you can get to know members local to you. And then you can either arrange an impromptu meet to invite anyone else in the area to come, or arrange something between 2-3 people via PM. It does not have to be an open invitation for everyone to attend... just small numbers to get you feeling comfortable with a small group of new people, even if it's just one on one.

What you can do then is ease yourself into other events, if you want to. Maybe meet up a few times with same small group of people, and have a coffee, a cake, a chat etc. Once you feel comfortable with meeting the same small group of people, you can arrange to go to a bigger meet with at least one of them. Then, you know that at least when you get to one of the larger meets, you are going to have someone you know you can talk to.

That said... for anyone out there who just wants to throw caution to the wind and dive in at the deep end... please do. There are so many fantastic people here in this group that you won't go far wrong. Everyone is welcoming, no one is cliquey (not that I've met), and we are all in it for the same reason. To have a laugh, chat about our cars, show them off, make friends, and make memories.

If anyone wants to chat about social anxiety issues, feel free to PM me, or any of the club staff members. We're all approachable, and we will all give you the time you need to help you along your Elgrand journey.

And for those of you who just don't want to be part of the meets and events, that's cool too. There is no pressure for any one person to attend any meets or events. But I really would advise it... the things you learn, the people you meet... it's worth it. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

Hope this helps a little.

Karl, thank you so much. I have suffered with social anxiety all my life (shyness in old terms). I struggle with self-consciousness and expressing myself in face to face contact. I can never do small talk and despite knowing what to say avoid saying it.
I work in an environment where I meet and talk to people on a daily basis, I think I deliberately chose this career 40 years ago to challenge myself and self medicate. I'm now 56 and still feel the same as I did when I was 18. The only difference being that I am now older and wiser thereby able to bullshit my way out of awkward (to me) situations.
I love the general atmosphere on this site, it seems non-judgemental and genuinely enthusiastic about the Elgrand and their owners. Would thoroughly enjoy a club meet next time one is within reasonable range.

 

[gavperry]

I suffered for social anxiety for years and it was crippling. I couldn’t even go to my graduation ceremony because of it so thanks for sharing this. I now work for a mental health charity to try to help others in the same boat. I know this is an old thread but I wanted to reply as I was amazed by your honesty…. So thanks for helping people to be more honest

 

[PJM*]

I've put a post up previously regarding social anxiety, and I've had more than a few messages saying thank you for sharing it, so I thought I would put something here along with some guidelines for people to help get you through it and become more involved with the club (and life).

For those who don't know what social anxiety is, you may not have heard of it, or it may be that you just don't understand it. It's that feeling of knowing you want to get to a meet, maybe saying you're interested, then either not committing, or pulling out close to the date if you have committed. You'll make up an excuse that no one can argue... for example "sorry, car broke down this morning"... or "there's been a family emergency, sorry"... or you may just not turn up and not say anything at all.

If you have been reading through this forum, chatting with fellow members, feeling like you've made a connection, and then been sat looking at the write ups and pictures from meets we've attended feeling like you've missed out... well the only person stopping you, is YOU.

I have been dealing with social anxiety now for years. I have worked in the same place for the last 8 years, and I still get anxiety when it comes to social events with the people I've worked with for so long. Why? I don't know. I hate it. It's crippling. I find myself running out of excuses not to attend social events, because, I just panic. Now in all honesty, I don't think that will ever go away with the people I work with, because I have NOTHING in common with most of them. The odd one or two I get along with on a social level, but not enough to make me want to overcome my anxiety.

Things within ElgrandOC have been very different. For me, going to a meet with you guys means I know that before I even get there, we have a common interest. It gives us a talking point and a way to break the ice.

The members here have been some of the best people I have ever met, and some of my closest friends I have met through this club. There have been very very few people that I've met and not really got on with... Most of the people I have met I now talk to on a regular basis.

Now... as ElgrandOC has grown, so has our attendance at meets. Even small local meets are now attended by 10+ Elgrand's and however many people. That can be a BIG step for ANYONE, whether they have an issue with social anxiety or not. Especially if you are going to that meet as a new member knowing that everyone else has already met. I got frustrated last year that there weren't more people going to meets, and it took me a little time to realise that it's probably not just me that suffers with social anxiety... and that in all honesty, there are probably a LOT of members here who are desperate to get out and attend events with us, but can't get over that hurdle... then when you see the list of attendees getting bigger and bigger... the problem spirals, and you know you could never do it.

So, what I would like to see this year, and thanks to @Easy Rider for the suggestion, is Impromtu meets with small groups of 2-3 people.

We have the regional chat sections now so you can get to know members local to you. And then you can either arrange an impromptu meet to invite anyone else in the area to come, or arrange something between 2-3 people via PM. It does not have to be an open invitation for everyone to attend... just small numbers to get you feeling comfortable with a small group of new people, even if it's just one on one.

What you can do then is ease yourself into other events, if you want to. Maybe meet up a few times with same small group of people, and have a coffee, a cake, a chat etc. Once you feel comfortable with meeting the same small group of people, you can arrange to go to a bigger meet with at least one of them. Then, you know that at least when you get to one of the larger meets, you are going to have someone you know you can talk to.

That said... for anyone out there who just wants to throw caution to the wind and dive in at the deep end... please do. There are so many fantastic people here in this group that you won't go far wrong. Everyone is welcoming, no one is cliquey (not that I've met), and we are all in it for the same reason. To have a laugh, chat about our cars, show them off, make friends, and make memories.

If anyone wants to chat about social anxiety issues, feel free to PM me, or any of the club staff members. We're all approachable, and we will all give you the time you need to help you along your Elgrand journey.

And for those of you who just don't want to be part of the meets and events, that's cool too. There is no pressure for any one person to attend any meets or events. But I really would advise it... the things you learn, the people you meet... it's worth it. I wouldn't say that if I didn't mean it.

Hope this helps a little.

Thank you - this is reassuring and also good to know so we can be extra nice to people

 

[RuskinStreet]

Thank you - this is reassuring and also good to know so we can be extra nice to people

TBH it's not about being nice, it's about understanding why I disappear from a social event without warning and getting the bus home. I have done this several times to avoid talking to people. I feel suffocated and self-conscious.
I hide behind a sense of humour, when I tell people I suffer with depression and anxiety they think I am joking!

 

[PJM*]

TBH it's not about being nice, it's about understanding why I disappear from a social event without warning and getting the bus home. I have done this several times to avoid talking to people. I feel suffocated and self-conscious.
I hide behind a sense of humour, when I tell people I suffer with depression and anxiety they think I am joking!

Of course it is, I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. What you describe sounds very difficult and I didn’t phrase my reply very well- what I really meant by ‘nice’ was to be friendly, understanding and empathetic rather than the opposite, maybe stand-offish and judgemental or uncaring about somebody’s well-being or blind to the signs which would be very unhelpful . Your post really touched me and made me aware of this anxiety. It’s hard to wear a mask so that your real feelings are hidden- not sure that I’m putting this very well either, but I mean well. best wishes

 

[RuskinStreet]

Of course it is, I’m so sorry for the misunderstanding. What you describe sounds very difficult and I didn’t phrase my reply very well- what I really meant by ‘nice’ was to be friendly, understanding and empathetic rather than the opposite, maybe stand-offish and judgemental or uncaring about somebody’s well-being or blind to the signs which would be very unhelpful . Your post really touched me and made me aware of this anxiety. It’s hard to wear a mask so that your real feelings are hidden- not sure that I’m putting this very well either, but I mean well. best wishes

You phrased things very well, it was me being prickly about the "being nice" bit. You meant well and I reacted badly.

 

[Pagey1982]

What a fantastic thread and great to see so many people helping each other with this aspect

I attended my first meet in Guildford this year and although I don't suffer with meeting new people and worry with speaking to new people, I must admit, I was somewhat anxious when arriving, however, very very soon I realised that the people I met that Sunday were very accommodating and welcoming, there was no clicks, everyone chatted to everyone, and I can't wait to see you all again

Now for the people that do suffer I can't imagine how this feels and I hope that reading the great replies and hopefully my post you'll gain the confidence and put them unsettling nerves at rest and meet with the people of this fantastic club. Like maybe mentioned before, little steps, little meets with people you know and build up to the larger ones, it's such a welcoming and fun place to be, I promise!!

Can't wait for the next one!!

 

[PJM*]

You phrased things very well, it was me being prickly about the "being nice" bit. You meant well and I reacted badly.

Not at all- I learnt something x

 

[WhatsThisFor]

I don’t think I’m socially anxious, I just don’t like meeting people I don’t know, in fact I often don’t like meeting people I do know.
I don’t do parties, get togethers, works bonding weekends, or the like.
I like my own company and I don’t have an issue with it, other people seem to have the issue though.
I pity my wife, as her friends at work think I don’t exist, they have never seen m
She is the polar opposite to me and thrives on the thought of meeting and greeting, social events, works “build a raft and cross a river in Wales”-weekends, team building exercises, joining clubs, etc.
When we go on our holidays I have to ask her to stop talking to people in the bar/pool/dining areas, because all I can think of is being stuck with them for the rest of my holidays, I think holiday friends are the worst case scenario, I don’t do it.

Elgrand owners club camping weekends, cruises or get togethers are not my bag, I can just about muster a ‘windscreen wipe and screen wash squirt’ when I see an Elgrand driving towards me.

Reading this back I sound like a miserable b457ard, but I’m not, or I don’t think I am.

 

[JohnK]

You're not alone and you're not a miserle bar steward just because you're happiest in your own company.
Stick to your guns and enjoy what makes you happy!

 

[ChrissyD]

Great discussion guys … everyone is different and that's a good thing

Main thing here is - treat everyone you meet with respect and empathy, as it may have taken a lot for them to be there and talking to you

 

[Chasdad]

I don’t think I’m socially anxious, I just don’t like meeting people I don’t know, in fact I often don’t like meeting people I do know.
I don’t do parties, get togethers, works bonding weekends, or the like.
I like my own company and I don’t have an issue with it, other people seem to have the issue though.
I pity my wife, as her friends at work think I don’t exist, they have never seen m
She is the polar opposite to me and thrives on the thought of meeting and greeting, social events, works “build a raft and cross a river in Wales”-weekends, team building exercises, joining clubs, etc.
When we go on our holidays I have to ask her to stop talking to people in the bar/pool/dining areas, because all I can think of is being stuck with them for the rest of my holidays, I think holiday friends are the worst case scenario, I don’t do it.

Elgrand owners club camping weekends, cruises or get togethers are not my bag, I can just about muster a ‘windscreen wipe and screen wash squirt’ when I see an Elgrand driving towards me.

Reading this back I sound like a miserable b457ard, but I’m not, or I don’t think I am.

Im a little bit like you.
I avoid parties. Particularly not close friends ones.
Ive been called rude and ignorant for not conversing.
Luckily my wifes friends know i have certain issues . So when i dont turn up theyre ok
The truth is i think im a bit too judgemental and dont suffer fools gladly.
My wife on the other hand is everyones friend and goes out of her way for people
Im just glad my son appears to take after his mum.

 

[Baldylock]

Meeting strangers is always a nervous time for all parties. That's why i have a dog, regular comment are aint she cute. Ice is then melted.

The helpful side of this forum is that all have a common interest, you have met technically in the virtual world so are not that much of a stranger and also, the vehicle, let it do the introductions for you.

 

[WhatsThisFor]

Meeting strangers is always a nervous time for all parties. That's why i have a dog, regular comment are aint she cute. Ice is then melted.

The helpful side of this forum is that all have a common interest, you have met technically in the virtual world so are not that much of a stranger and also, the vehicle, let it do the introductions for you.

Excellent, next time I’m dragged to a Chinese restaurant for a surprise 40th - a proper big deal 30+ guests….

I’m going to roll up with my Dog, why didn’t I think of that.