Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

[Mr Phil]

Last time I went to the doctors he asked if I had trouble passing water,I said no but I sometimes get giddy crossing bridges.

Why do women make the best goal keepers
They can stop 2 balls at once

What’s the difference between a car battery and a woman
A car battery has a positive side

 

[G-train]

A man visits his doctor and complains that he feels like he has five legs. The doctor says "I don't understand, how do your pants fit?"
The man replies "like a glove!"

 

[Tine Tempest]

I went to the Doctors the other day, I said, "Doctor! I have this tune running through my head "The Green Green Grass Of Home"..." He said, "Oh! You've got Tom Jones-ites!" I said, "Is that strange?" He said, "It's not unusual..."

 

[Tine Tempest]

I went to the Doctors the other day, I said, "Doctor! I think I'm a moth!" He said "You don't need me, you need a psychiatrist!" I said, "I was on my way to the psychiatrist, but I saw your light was on..."

 

[Tine Tempest]

Two cannibals eating a clown, One turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Tine Tempest]

I went to the bank the other day, I said, "I'd like to check my balance..." She pushed me over!!

 

[Silverking]

A man walks into work one day & asks his boss: ‘ Do you like my new shirt ?, it’s made of the finest silk and got loads of cactuses all over it.’
‘Cacti ‘, says the boss.
‘Forget my tie’ says the man , ‘Look at my shirt !!’

 

[Silverking]

Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
He’s now fully recovered!!

 

[G-train]

Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The bar attendant looks over and says "Oh no, not you two again"

 

[Silverking]

Me : “Oh no , I think one of the neighbours has died”

Wife : “Who , Ray ?”

Me : “ I don’t think this is the right time to be cheering!”

 

[Breadman23]

Why do women have orgasms,
So they can moan when they're happy

 

[Silverking]

Why do women close their eyes when having sex?
Because they cannot bear seeing you enjoying yourself !

 

[Malcwit]

A penguin walks into a bar
View attachment The Penguin Joke At The Monkey Bar.mp4

 

[AlanM]

Two oranges walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "Your round..."

Man walks into a bar - OUCH - it was a metal bar!

Or from my wife's Facebook readings:

To make it stand, you wet it
To make it wet, you suck it
To make it stiff, you lick it
To get it in, you push it
------------------------------
DAMN, threading a needle at any age is no joke

 

[G-train]

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, my doors' always open.

 

[Ian B]

What does a man do standing up?
A woman does sitting down?
A dog does on three legs?



Behave yourself, they shake hands!!

 

[Silverking]

What did the plumber say when he left his wife ?
“It’s over , Flo.”

 

[Silverking]

Two men walking their dogs pass each over in a graveyard.
The 1st man says to the 2nd,
“Morning.”
“No” says the 2nd man.
“Just walking the dog.”

 

[dognero]

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing' I'm a believer' by the Monkees because she found it annoying. At first, I thought she was kidding...

But then I saw her face!

 

[LeStempy]

Speaking of which, I rewrote that song for my neighbours on clap Thursday as they were pestering me to do a turn..

I thought Covid was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me
But the pandemic was out to get me
That's the way it seemed
Coronavirus haunted all my dreams



Then I got a cough, now I'm a believer
Not a jot, of doubt in my mind
I got a cough, now I'm a believer
I couldn't breathe here if I tried



Social distancing is now the given thing
Seems the more I’m home the less I’ve got
What's the use in shopping
All you do is queue
I just wanted bog roll for the loo



But I got a cough, now I'm a believer
Not a jot, of doubt in my mind
I've got a cough, I'm a believer
I couldn't breathe here if I tried



Inst break



What's the use of shopping
All you do is queue
I just wanted bog roll for the loo



Now I got a cough, and I'm a believer
Not a jot, of doubt in my mind
I've got a cough, I'm a believer
I couldn't breathe here if I tried

​