Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

[Tine Tempest]

Two oranges walk into a bar, one turns to the other and says, "Your round..."

 

[MALAKI]

What was Bing Crosby’s coffin made of? Two by two by two.

 

[MALAKI]

Woman shouts downstairs to her husband “ do you ever get a pain like someone sticking pins in a voodoo doll” he says no she says “ how about now”

 

[Frogeyepete]

Teacher says to the class "Today we are going to talk about the word - contagious. can any one give me an example of how its used?" Little Johny (bit of a trouble maker) puts his hand up and teacher ignores him. "Mary can you give me an example?" Mary replied "Yes miss. When my little sister had chicken pox my mother said that she couldn't go to school because she was contagious" After asking a few more children, the teacher finally gets round to asking Johny. "OK Johny, what is your example?" "Well" says Johny "The other day I was in the front garden with my granddad and he saw the neighbor painting the outside of his house. He said 'Look at that, he's using a 2 inch brush, its going to take the contagious!'"

 

[Ian B]

I used to be indecicive but now I am note so sure!!

A horse goes to see his GP, when he finally gets in to see the doctor, the doctor says to him "Why the long face?"

 

[Highway Dave]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

 

[Ian B]

Can you name 3 fish that start and finish with the letter K?


Killer sharK.
Kwik save crispy haddocK.
KilmarnocK. ...............................................It is a plaice in Scotland!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Tanglefoot]

Big game hunter goes to mountains to search for the huge, legendary, Rarey bird. Takes his hunting dogs but leaves them at base camp on the first day's hunt. Him and the trackers get back to chaos. Dogs all dead and the camp ransacked. He asked the trackers what could have done all this damage. Trackers replied "It is the fabulous Rarey Bird and it's still here". They all go out to catch the Rarey Bird. They catch the huge bird and struggle to throw it off the mountain. The Rarey Bird looks down the cliff and says....(All together now)....."Thats a long way to tip a Rarey, A long way to go......

 

[Lize]

Three pieces of string go in a pub. The first piece of string goes to the bar while the others get a table.

Karl: “3 beers please”
Landlord: “We don’t serve string in here”

Karl goes to the table without the beer, maybe you weren’t polite enough suggests Mark, I’ll go and get them.

Mark: “Good afternoon, could I possibly have 3 of your fine beers please?”
Landlord: “I’ve just told your mate we don’t serve string”

Disappointed he goes back to the table where Rob says he’ll give it a try, on the way to the bar he twists himself up and ruffles his hair.

Rob: “3 beers please”
Landlord looks at him suspiciously: “Are you a piece of string?”
Rob: “No, I’m a frayed knot”

 

[Silverking]

My mother in-law fell down a wishing well.
- I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

 

[Silverking]

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes.
I phoned later for a date, but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs.

 

[Silverking]

I asked the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?”
He said “ How flexible are you?”
I said “I can’t do Tuesdays.”

 

[Silverking]

I went to the doctor and said “Have you anything for wind?”
So he gave me a kite.....

 

[LeStempy]

How many Elgrand owners does it take to change a light bulb?

85

1 to change the bulb
27 to ask what type of bulb they used
18 to ask where to buy them
36 to ask how to get the cover off
3 to start a new thread asking where the fuses are

 

[Mr Phil]

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs
Where you left him.

 

[Rebus-ace]

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright until you hear them talk.

Ain’t that the truth!

 

[Silverking]

I fell asleep in the chair, when I woke up I realised someone had put a tea bag in my mouth - I wasn’t happy..
I hate been taken for a mug !

 

[Silverking]

I wrote a song about a tortilla, well actually, it’s more of a wrap....

 

[Highway Dave]

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

 

[Mr Phil]

It’s often better to keep your mouth closed and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt