Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

[Frogeyepete]

Four ninety year olds go into a bank to rob it. First one turns round to the others and says "What did we come here for?"

 

[LeStempy]

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should receive a no bell prize.

 

[LeStempy]

Two parrots sat on a perch, one says 'Can you smell fish?'.

 

[Frogeyepete]

Two parrots sat on a perch, one says 'Can you smell fish?'.

Subtle that one.

 

[Frogeyepete]

A student walks into the college library and finds very few seats available. He asks a young lady if he can sit next to her. She says in a very loud voice "No I will not sleep with you". He is very embarrassed so he sits somewhere else. A few moments later the girl comes over and says "Sorry about that but I study psychology and know what you were thinking". He says loudly "£10, that's far too much!" Then he says more quietly "I'm studying law and know how to fuck people".

 

[LeStempy]

In the same library a man walks in asks where he could find a book on paranoia, the librarians say 'They're right behind you'.

 

[dognero]

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk?

Oh Harry, that would be lovely!

Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

 

[dognero]

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

 

[LeStempy]

I find it ironic that women who wear bikinis reveal 90% of their body but men only look at the other 10%.

 

[dognero]

How can they call it "Alcoholics Anonymous" when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?

 

[LeStempy]

A farmer friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said 'Forty'.

 

[dognero]

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear quite bright until you hear them talk.

 

[LeStempy]

Spooky, I just saw myself blink in the mirror.

 

[Highway Dave]

A policeman pulls over an old man in a pickup truck because the bed of his truck is full of ducks. The officer says, “Sir, it is unacceptable to have this flock of ducks downtown, take them to the Zoo this instant!”

The old man confirms that he will and drives off. The next day the officer sees the same man in the same truck still full of ducks. Only this time all the ducks are wearing sunglasses. The officer pulls him over again and yells, “I told you to take these ducks to the Zoo!”

The old man replies, “I did! But now the little buggers want to go to the beach!”

 

[Highway Dave]

What's a mixed feeling? When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

 

[LeStempy]

I hate Russian Dolls. They're so full of themselves.

 

[LeStempy]

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised!

 

[robert edwards]

i want to die in my sleep like my grandad -----------not screaming and shouting like his passengers

 

[robert edwards]

think me and Andrew are on the same page

 

[dognero]

All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of crisps.