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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 2 meters to social distance.
 
Manoerwar said:
Knock knock. Who is there? Seriously, don’t touch my door and get back 2 meters to social distance.
Click to expand...
FGS - This is my neighbour opposite , ALL deliveries have to be left at front door after knocking , driver return to the van & drive away -
Then the door opens & goods are taken in by them wearing rubber gloves
Not seen either of the kids at all this year!
Rare occasion he goes out in car , on the return home , he is met at the door & the hoodie he has worn is taken off & placed in to a carrier bag held open by the wife & rubber gloves are binned .
Or should we all be doing this ??
 
Manoerwar said:
you mean your not!:innocent:
Click to expand...
Sort of , masks in shops , wash my hand’s loads of times at work , check temperature clocking in & out
- jumping through the hoops as they say 😇😇
 
Silverking said:
FGS - This is my neighbour opposite , ALL deliveries have to be left at front door after knocking , driver return to the van & drive away -
Then the door opens & goods are taken in by them wearing rubber gloves
Not seen either of the kids at all this year!
Rare occasion he goes out in car , on the return home , he is met at the door & the hoodie he has worn is taken off & placed in to a carrier bag held open by the wife & rubber gloves are binned .
Or should we all be doing this ??
Click to expand...
When undertaking a repair at a rental the tenant insisted I wear shoe covers in addition to the usual mask and gloves. I thought this over the top and particularly when her husband mentioned something about her going on a trip to a town nowhere near where they live.
 
An oldie
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap:
Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.
Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
"Oh look." Says the first nun. "It's a soap dispenser."
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go.
She pulls once, then twice and three times, but nothing happens.
So she gives several more tugs, then yells.
"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"
 
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.
"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."
"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table, and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her,
'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in 10..."
 
And finally for today...
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Boom Boom
Heehee
 
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”
 
Todays code to live by :)


A local Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey. The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the following day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . . . even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!! You'll be a lot happier and live longer!
 
And another one but maybe not a code to live by :)

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke.
Suddenly, it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
The other looked at her in surprise and asked, “Whats that?”
The second lady replied, “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
“That’s ingenious! But where did you get the condom?
The second lady replied, “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, the first lady hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy seemed quite embarrassed at hearing this coming from an 83 year old lady, and looked at her with surprise.
“A-alright ma’am. Which brand of condoms do you prefer?”
The old lady replied, “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel
 
Image may contain: ‎text that says '‎on he reading backwards. his collar backwards. a his The man, who was priest, said, ו' am Father.' The little boy replied, 'My Daddy is also a father, but he doesn't wear his collar like that.' The looked up from his book and answered,I the Father of many.' said, grandchildren boys, he doesn't and his The priest, impatient, said. the of hundreds', and back to reading his book. *The little boy sat thinking for while, then leaned and said, Maybe you should wear condom, put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.*‎'‎

Boom , Boom
Heehee
 
For the Irish again

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures.
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions “We built the Pantheon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo.”
“Well, it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
“But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
“Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces.”
Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!”
“True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved.”
 
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?”

Gotta love the Lawyers...
 
And finally ( for today)

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.
However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Boom Boom
Heehee
 
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