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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?' 'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? ' 'Never,' said Bob. 'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..... 'BOB, wake up....... You've shit the bed!
 
Christ, this is boring any chance of an anything goes joke thread to liven the place.....

No, it wasn't a joke.

Admin Note: Edited to remove offensive terms.
 
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diable said:
Christ, this is boring any chance of an anything goes joke thread to liven the place up as next it will be the Jehovah and Scientologists taking over.......

No, it wasn't a joke.
Click to expand...
Send a PM to @Karl to request access to the 18+ jokes thread.
 
And as quick as you like @Stempyuno was deleted
 
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen,
'What would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'
I said, 'Thank you my love, I'll have chicken'.
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Cheers
Ken
 
My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Perth, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
 
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this sh$% but me.
 
Trump stepping out of the shower. Not just a clean joke, but a clean political joke!
 
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