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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office.
"What is your name?," was the first thing the manager asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."



Hope you like them
Boom , Boom.
Hehe
 
Hope this doesn't offend the Irish..
Ahh stuff it, here it is anyway.

Two Irish farmhands, Mick and Paddy, got a holiday so they decided to go to Dublin. Lacking a vehicle they had no choice but to walk so down the road they went. Well, wouldn't ya know, after only a short while, Paddy stepped in a hole and sprained his ankle.
"Its too bad," says Mick. "Never mind," says Paddy, it cant be helped. I'll pop into yonder pub to rest up but you go on to Dublin. And sure I'll be along soon."
Sadly, Mick trudges off down the road and soon disappears over the hill. Well, not 30 minutes later, Mick wheels up to the pub in a brand new, top of the line BMW, shouting "Hop in Paddy! We're goin' ta Dublin in style, ta be sure!
Paddy can't believe.his eyes and asks, "Well where did ya get the car then...have ya stolen it?"
"Not at all," Mick reassures him, "It was given ta me!"
"Now that can't be true, can it," says Paddy. "Tell me truly how it happened then, and no nonsense."
"Well there I was, goin down the road, minding me own business, when suddenly this grand car pulls up and behind the wheel is a gorgeous blonde no more than 25 years old, asking me would I be needin' a ride to Dublin. So I said sure and hopped in and off we went.
A few minutes later, she drove the car down a forest road, stopped, and leapt outa the car, stripped off all her clothes till she was naked and shouted "You can have anything ye want!!" So I took the car."
"Ah Mick, that's grand! And it was a wise choice ya made, for the clothes wouldn't have fit ya anyways."
 
And finally for the moment

A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields.
Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.
The farmer said,
“Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”
The farmer again said,
“Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”
The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.
The farmer said,
“Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”
So the guy bought the horse and took him home.
The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad.
He shouted at the farmer,
“Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”
The farmer calmly said,
“I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”

Boom , Boom
Hehe
 
Ohh alright, one more with a Christmas theme.

A scotsman, englishman and an irishman all die in a car crash, they all get up to the pearly gates, saint peter said "sorry boys I cant let you in, unless you've got something christmassy on you" so he said to the scotsman "what have you got?"
He fiddled around and come out with a set of keys and rattled them, and said 'I've got a christmas bell, in to heaven you go my son.
He looked at the Englishman and said,what have you got, so he fiddled around and come out with a cigarette lighter and lit it, and st peter said what is that, and he said,its a christmas candle, into heaven you go my son".
He looked at the irish man and said, what have you got, he replied bloody el, so he fiddle around and went through all of his pockets and he held up a pair of lady's knickers and st peter said, what are those.
The irishman looked at him and said, their Carols.

Boom, Boom
Hehe
 
And for the Italians among us, just to show I am not racially biased...

An Italian woman was leaving a convenience store with her espresso when she noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian woman walking a dog on a leash.
Behind her, a short distance back were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.
She respectfully approached the Italian woman walking the dog and said:
“I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My husband’s.”
” What happened to him?”
“He yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed him.”
She inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?”
The Italian woman answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of Italian sisterhood and silence passed between the two women…
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The woman replied, “Get in line.”
 
And just to prove that Australia is gods country :)

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the American.
He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA to see if Australians had the same phone.
He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40 cents per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now, son - it's a local call".
 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
 
And just one more ..

A precious little girl walks into a Pet store and asks, with the sweetest little lisp, from two missing front teeth,
“Excuthe me, mithter, do you sell widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he’s on her level and asks,
“Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like dat cute widdle bwown wabbit over dare?”

Her face flushed with anger and she rocked back on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and said, in a stern, but quiet voice,



“I don’t think my python weally gives a thyit.”

Boom Boom
Hehe
 
Four elderly men go into a bakery where the counter assistant is a curvaceous young woman in a mini skirt.
They look to see what’s on the very top shelf & this day it was raisin bread.
The first man asks for a loaf of raisin bread so the shop assistant gets the shop ladder, gingerly climbs high up the ladder, retrieves the bread, carefully climbs back down again & sells the bread to the smiling customer.
The second man then also asks for a loaf of raisin bread, so the assistant again climbs the ladder, retrieves the bread, climbs back down & sells it to the smiling customer.
The third man then also asks for a loaf of raisin bread so the assistant again climbs the ladder, but as she’s atop of the ladder retrieving yet another loaf of raisin bread she turns to 4th man & asks “is yours raisin too?”
The 4th man replies: “no, but it’s twitching a bit!”
 
An Irish painter by the name of Paddy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition.
In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said
"The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes

Heehee , gotta love the Irish...
 
Ok, last one picking on the Irish


For today....


Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar. Finding he had No matches, he asked Paddy for a light.
'Ya, sure, I tink I have a lighter,' Paddy and then reaching into his tacklebox, he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where did yer get that monster?
'Well,' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You have a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.
'Ya, sure. It's right here in me tackle box,' says Paddy.
'Could I see him?'
Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.
Will you grant me one wish?'
'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.
So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell you that the Genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked for a 10 inch Bic?
 
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