Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

[gtrken]

A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm....
'I'd like to buy a horth' he says.
What sort of horse?', said the owner.
'A female horth,' the owner shows him a mare.
'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" The owner picks him up shows the eyes.
'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' The owner picks him up shows the teeth.
'Nith teeth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' The owner picks him up and shoves his head deep inside the horses #$%@ and pulls him out.
The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that...
'Can I see her wun awound?

 

[gtrken]

The doctor said, "Alfie, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Alfie was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. But when he thought about it some more, he decided he'd rather be free of pain. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... A new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... Size 44 long."
Alfie laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.
Alfie tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.
As Alfie admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Alfie thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Alfie and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Alfie was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years," the man repeated.
Alfie tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
Alfie walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Alfie thought for a moment, then said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... Size 36."
Alfie laughed, "Aha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $18
Second opinion - PRICELESS.

 

[gtrken]

And finally for today


A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.


Boom Boom
Hehe

 

[Manoerwar]

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.

 

[Silverking]

 

[gtrken]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. " On a trip to Broken Hill out in New South Wales , I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or you'll answer to me!"
St. Peter was impressed: "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."

Hehe

 

[Ormoniuk]

Wife said she wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary. Apparently my local Shell station doesn't count.

 

[LeStempy]

A husband and wife were out Christmas shopping in a busy shopping center just before the big day. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do she called him on her mobile and asked, "Where are you? You know we have lots to do".
"Yes sweetheart, I know" he said, and continued, "Do you remember the jewelers that we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? And although I couldn’t afford it at the time I told you that one day I would buy it for you". Little tears began to flow down her cheek as she started to well up…

"Yes, I do remember that place" she replied lovingly.

"Well my darling" he responded, "I am in the car accessory shop next door to that".

 

[Sparkyrich]

I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage.

I lost my case...

Where’s the “oh no, dad joke” emoji when you want one?

 

[Breadman23]

 

[Lize]

 

[Lize]

 

[Manoerwar]

A cement mixer and a prison bus crashed on the highway. Police advise citizens to look out for a group of hardened criminals.

 

[LeStempy]

Been pulling the Xmas crackers already?

 

[gtrken]

Christmas joke...


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

 

[gtrken]

With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”
“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.
She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt and pulled out a crumpled $50 note.
“Now” she said. “Have you ever seen $40,000 all crumpled up?” “No way!” he panted, becoming even more excited,
She said “Look in the garage.”

 

[gtrken]

And finally for today...

Two unemployed guys are talking.
One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"

Boom Boom
Hehe

 

[Breadman23]

 

[gtrken]

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell.
The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've this great rooster, named Randy. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but, farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy and takes the rooster home.
He then sets him down in the barnyard and gives the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. "So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer ended with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot.
WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the hen house three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there.
Later, the farmer sees Randy after the flock of geese down by the lake. Once again, WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught -- worried that his expensive rooster won't even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob -- stone cold in the middle of the yard and buzzards are circling overhead.
The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "SHHHH, they're getting closer"

 

[gtrken]

For the Scots...


A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost of a tooth extraction.
“85 pounds for an extraction, sir” the dentist replied.
“85 quid! Huv ye no’got anythin’ cheaper?”
“That’s the normal charge,” said the dentist.
“Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?”
“That’s unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off.”
“Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?”
“I can’t guarantee their professionalism and it’ll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds.”
“How aboot if ye make it a trainin’ session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin’ and learnin’?”
“It’ll be good for the students”, mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic.”
“Och, now yer talkin’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman.
“Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?”