Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

[Rayvan]

Admitted to hospital poisoned myself I ate a daffodil bulb thought it was an onion, they said I’ll be out in the spring!

 

[Breadman23]

View attachment VID-20210210-WA0004.mp4

 

[George322]

Never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

 

[mde]

Yuvaice and Hans ran a small sushi restaurant. Yuvaice was the chef and Hans was the waiter and dish washer. They had a large tank of fish, and customers would choose their fish and Yuvaice would kill it and prepare it. One day in their delivery was a particularly ugly squid with a green moustache, nobody wanted to eat it so it became Yuvaice and Hans’ pet. Months went by until there was a big rush on and all the fish in the tank had been chosen and eaten except for the ugly squid. At this point, the restaurant critic from the local paper turns up, and, there being only the restaurant’s pet squid left, demands it. With a heavy heart, Yuvaice takes the squid out the tank but looking at it’s little green moustache he can’t bear to kill it so he call Hans in from where he’s washing up to do it. Hans, too, is overcome and can’t bring himself to kill their pet.

Which proves that Hans that does dishes can be soft as Yuvaice with the vile green hairy-lipped squid.

 

[mde]

A penguin takes his car to the mechanic with an oil leak. The mechanic says to come back after lunch, so the penguin waffles off. Just down the street is an ice cream parlour so the penguin goes in and eats a lot of ice cream. Being a penguin, he makes a lot of mess and by the time he’s done is covered in ice cream. He goes back to the mechanic who says “it looks like you’ve blown a seal.”
“No!” Replied the penguin, “it’s ice cream.”

 

[Breadman23]

View attachment VID-20210215-WA0000.mp4

 

[Snapperman]

I said to my wife what would you do if I won the lottery she replied I take half and divorce you I said brilliant I've just won a tenner

 

[Breadman23]

I came home from work today and said to the wife quick love pack you bags,she said why we going on holiday,I said no I've won the lottery fuck off

 

[Simon58]

Ha Ha

 

[Breadman23]

 

[Breadman23]

View attachment VID-20210219-WA0002.mp4

 

[Tibs]

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

 

[Breadman23]

 

[Breadman23]

View attachment 1b9694a2fd33_4360.mp4

 

[Bengi]

Brian an old work mate, always used to go on about getting run over by a steam train, he would never shut up about it, it was always what he wanted.
Anyways, I left that job a few years back and never heard of him since... Until his wife rang me the other day, she said

"I'm sorry to let you know but Brian has passed away"

'blimey... How did he go'

"Well... he was hit by a steam train"

I said,

'blimey...... I bet he was chuffed to bits!'

 

[Bengi]

I had to get rid of our old hoover the other day, yeah... to be honest it was only sat there collecting dust.

 

[Bengi]

Went to the jewellers other day, to get a watch. Fancied something new.
Went in spoke to the bloke, I said, "I need a new watch, something practical"

Shopkeeper says
' analogue? `

I said
"no just the watch please"

Haha.

 

[Bengi]

If anyone is a fan of Tim vine, you'll recognise some of those

Last one,

I ordered a limousine tother day for a friend's birthday, cost a bit, round about 300 quid...
Anyways, it turns up, and I walk up the front of the limo, go to greet the driver, and bloomin thing is empty!!!

II have a look round and I couldn't believe it. I spent all this money on this limousine and there was nothing to chauffeur it!!!!

 

[Dave and Shari T]

What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

Post Office.

 

[Dave and Shari T]

Why is there a gate around cemeteries?


Because people are dying to get in!