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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager.
The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.
Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:“Me want beer!
"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.
The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess I left behind....."
 
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
8 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
11 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
12 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
13 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
14 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
15 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
16 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
17 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
18 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
19 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
20 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
21 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
22 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
23 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
24 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
25 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
26 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
27 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
 
bad-4.jpg
 
Ian H said:
Does not work like that. Take four numbers, 2,2,2, and 10. The average is 4. Three of them are below average, not half of them.
Click to expand...
It can work like that depending upon the type of average used. The median is likely to be correct for the original statement.
 
Officers from the Roads And Transport Squad seized this vehicle earlier today under Sec 59 Police Reform Act due to the paintwork causing alarm, distress & annoyance
Recovery costs £711.75 & fine of £800.85
May be an image of car
 
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