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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

last night I berated an awful busker doing a crap version of wish you where here, “The busker said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
 
Michael Gove wants Maths to be taught compulsory until 18 not 16. LZ Truss , Kwasi Kwarteng and Dianne Abbot have all said they cant see what good an extra 4 years will be.
 
Yesterday I was at my local Asda buying a large bag of Pedigree dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Pedigree Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Pedigree Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
 
I bought David Essex an Origami set for his birthday... he said he was going to make me a star 🌟 🫣
 
ChunkyDave said:
I bought David Essex an Origami set for his birthday... he said he was going to make me a star 🌟 🫣
Click to expand...
It’s Sunday so my kids are heading for an early bath
You @ChunkyDave are heading for an early ban ( just have to work out what exactly to report you with “cringeworthy jokes”possibly)
 
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