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Lets have a clean joke thread. Laughter heals as they say. (NO NASTY, OBSCENE OR COVID19!)

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Dylan Williams

I know some of you may think I’m showing off, but when you work hard all your life, you deserve to treat yourself. I can’t express the happiness I’m feeling right now. White was the only colour they...
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A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says, “At school, dad.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend’s house!”
“What DVD?”
“Kung Fu panda.” Robot slaps the son.
“Okay, it was an adult film!” Dad yells, “What? When I was your age I didn’t know what an adult film was!” Robot slaps the dad.
mom laughs, “He’s certainly your son!” Robot slaps the mom.
 
Paddy had been drinking at his local pub, all day and most of the night, celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the landlord, says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy."
Paddy replies, "OK, Mick, I'll be on my way then."
Paddy spun around and stepped out of his seat.... He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite,' he says and pulls himself up by the nearest barstool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite, .... Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that it isn't far to his house, and if he can just get to the door, get some fresh air, and compose himself, then he will be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and, again, falls flat on his face.

"Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked, "he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down and crawls to the front door. Paddy hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door, and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says, "No fockin' way."
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says to himself, "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He shouts out, "Shoite, Fock it," and falls onto the bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of tea and says, "Good morning Paddy, did you have a bit of a drink last night?"

Paddy replies, "I did, I was so fockin' pissed, but how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub, Ye Eejit!"
 
An over-zealous Tax inspector visited the local Synagogue a to make sure that the Rabbi was paying what he should be paying in taxes.
Thinking that they might be of use to medical researchers, he asked the Rabbi if they made some profit from selling all the foreskins they collected.
The Rabbi said, "No."
The taxman asked, "Well what do you do with them then?"
The Rabbi replied, "Well... we send them off to the local tax office every month and then, once a year, they send us a complete prick."
 
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